Negativity

In most cases being negative isn’t a positive thing, but for me it has brought about celebration! Eating a steak, sipping a martini, going to the movies kind of celebration! For those of you not yet following me, let me fill you in…

About three months ago, on December 10th, I had the most amazing experience. I was able to help in the delivery of a baby boy at our clinic in Chifusa. The doctor was busy with other patients, so it was just me and a traditional birth attendant in the room. Having gained most, if not all, of my medical expertise from ER and Dr McDreamy, and only wearing Chaco sandals, I wasn’t expecting to be given the responsibility of OBGYN for the morning. The fact that I was helping to deliver a child is terrifying if you know my disdain for bodily fluids and my Anatomy and Physiology grade. But none the less, this is Zambia where I have learned to buck up in just about any situation. So there I am at the end of the delivery bed, this young soon-to-be mother pushing away, and me encouraging the situation! She had been in labor for some time and I had just come into the room. Besides my own, I had never been in the room during a delivery. Now, where was the episode on Grey’s where the naïve, yet beautiful and bright, intern is soaked by a tidal wave of amniotic fluid and blood as the mother lays on her back with her legs spread for the delivery? Unfortunately for me, I missed that episode. Another unfortunate circumstance was that I had a large gash on my foot from cutting it on barbed wire the night before. So due to the tsunami force splash zone I had entered, I now had the blood and vaginal fluids of this woman soaking into my foot. She was not sure if she was HIV positive, and due to the rural location of our clinic, we don’t have testing available. So in an instant I’m thinking ‘I may just have contracted HIV,’ ‘This was my sister’s biggest fear for me in coming here,’ ‘I need to get on post exposure prophylaxis (PEP),’ ‘I am suing NBC for negligence.’ Those thoughts ran through my head in a second but then it was back to work, as I was able to help bring this magical sci-fi episode called a delivery to its conclusion. It was incredible to see this baby/alien come into the world. I highly recommend that you watch a birth sometime. Ideally in a “no-splash zone” covered from head to toe in impenetrable armor.

I called our Peace Corps Medical Officer that afternoon and was advised that I would need to come into Lusaka to get on PEP within 72 hours for it to be effective. PEP is a drug that those who have been exposed to HIV can take and it has been effective in stopping the virus. As I lay in bed that Saturday night I had a restless sleep. I kept thinking, “If I just contracted HIV today, was it worth it? Would I be willing to die for these people?” I wrote the following prayer in my journal the next morning. “Please calm me Lord. I know that all things work together for the good of those who love You. I know trials build endurance and this will add to the perfecting of my faith. I know You don’t promise us easiness or an exception of pain, so I just ask that in my soul you make it ok. Use it for the perfection of my faith. Thank you for allowing me to experience that birth. It truly was awesome.”

The delivery was on a Saturday and transport from my village doesn’t leave until Monday morning again, so I was a little nervous about the time crunch. Luckily I was able to hitch a ride on a vehicle transporting cattle to Choma on Sunday. I made it into Lusaka by Monday morning and the first HIV test came back negative. The HIV test is actually testing for antibodies that you produce in response to the infection, so it can take up to 3 months to be sure that you are in the clear. Because of that “window period” there was still the chance that I could test positive down the road. So the waiting game began. I chose to not tell my family back home as it is stressful enough for them that I am across the world living in a hut. When I finally told them the news last week it included the fact that my final test had come back negative and I am completely healthy. Praise God! I may never have been exposed to the virus, or God may have performed a miracle and protected me- I will never know. Of this I am confident; He did work out all things for the good and did strengthen my dependence on Him. May He do the same for you.

The Greatest of These

My kindred spirit of a cousin responded to my last blog with affirmation and encouragement regarding my time here in Zambia (check it out under comments). And in the last week her words really challenged me to get my focus off of what I can do and go back to believing Him for the results, both in me and in the villages I serve. When Jesus walked the earth, in a place much different than His home, where dusty feet, angry mobs, and harsh critics had replaced streets of gold and perfection, He told His followers the greatest commandments were to first love God, and second to love others. Let me share with you what that has looked like for me this week. I share not to bring glory to myself in anyway, but to let you know how Christ’s words are penetrating my heart and to encourage you to allow Him to work in you and use you in your corner of the world. Each morning this week I’ve prayed that God would allow me to see Him and to increase my faith in Him. It was seen in how He can take seeds in my garden and grow them into vegetables I can share with my villagers (Trust me, if you knew my brown thumb you would recognize this is verging on miraculous). Loving others was sharing cappuccino with a little girl after her last penicillin injection for chicken pox. It was sitting in a hot room next to the bed of a woman suffering from boils all over her body. It was asking forgiveness from a neighbor whom I had hurt. It was walking 10 miles to watch our school’s futbol team play and making a fool of myself by cheering like mad. I might never see tangible change while I am here in Zambia, but I might also never again have the opportunity to hold a little girl in church while her mother is at home slowly dying. I may never have another opportunity to carry 20 liters of water on my head and then offer a drink to a thirsty child. I may never again sit with a family and have them question how I could leave everyone I love to come to a foreign land, only to explain to them that I really felt God had a purpose for me here. I pray I never again have to deal with the amount of dirt, bugs, or snakes that I have so intimately lived with these last nine months, but even if I do, I am so confident that He alone will give me the strength to pull through. Sometimes after these blogs I get feedback about how wonderful I am, and how incredible it is that I am doing these things. While I appreciate your encouragement, It is not my desire to take credit for this experience. Trust me I am a mess of a person a lot of the time. Most of you back home can attest to that! It is truly thru my belief and faith in God that I can do any of this. It may take just as much courage for you to walk across the room to talk with someone in need, or bring a meal to a friend with cancer, or ask forgiveness from a loved one. Let me encourage you by saying that God would not tell us the second most important commandment is to love our neighbor if He could not make it possible. God can raise the dead! He can surely teach you to hold your tongue, hold hands with an enemy, hold fast to His promises. But if we don’t grasp the first commandment-to love God, than the second one is impossible. If you don’t know God-the one true God, that created and loves us, the God that would allow His Son to walk the dusty roads from Jerusalem to Sidon and die on a cross for sins we have committed, we are committing, we will commit, the God that brings freedom- not rules and regulations- the God that allows run-on sentences like this one, if you don’t know that God, well I pray that you would take the time to seek Him out. He is Faithful. Holy. Consistent. Love. Trust me, without my faith in Him, without an understanding of His character, this whole experience here in Zambia would be a bleak and hopeless experiment of viewing the depravity of mankind. But because of Him, I can have hope-that He’ll do more than I could ever ask or imagine. So, my dear friends, I’ll leave you with all that to chew on! Love God first and love others second and then write me a letter and tell me what that looks like for you! Thank you for the love that you have shown me.

Icing

Who would have thought I could sip a cappuccino and nearly be mauled by baboons in the same day? Or that I can use my cell phone but still have to pump water from a well? Life here in Zambia is like that, a very distinct dichotomy between "civilization" and primitive conditions. In a country that only recently gained its Independence from the British, Zambia is making baby steps toward what they consider development. At times though, it seems they are adding "icing" to a cake that has not yet been bakes. Or even mixed or maybe the ingredients are hardly in the bowl yet. It is as thou the people of Zambia look West, see that we have cell phones and think that by owning one too they are somehow moving in the right direction. Currently there is not one single Zambian I know that recognizes the "vibrate" setting on their phone, so you'll be having an important meeting and all of the sudden Beyonce is singing "Answer your phone, your phone is ringing...". It talks in the Bible about building your house on a solid foundation, not on the sand where it will be washed away by the sea. This has been one of the biggest reality checks for me here in Zambia-realizing that in many ways I am just "icing". It is great that I can teach on HIV to the teachers at my school, but how effective is it when the same teachers are hardly in class teaching or that a number of them are having sexual relationships with the students? I love meeting with the girls and talking about the importance of staying in school and making goals for the future, but how possible is that when they are being impregnated by their teachers? I get so excited when I make strides at the clinic to provide testing for HIV, but how much hope do the people have that find out they are positive for the disease? The government of Zambia, because of outside donors, is able to provide "free" medical treatment and medications, but they are not accessible to the people in my village that are 40 miles from town. In the US we are so vocal about our qualms with life. We don't like George Bush, or the Democrats, we gripe about our economy or that taxes are too high-whatever it is that is causing us such strife. But the fact of the matter is that in the US the foundation is set, the cake is baked. So at least we can mess around with the icing, we can try different colors, flavors, sprinkles if we are feeling crazy. But here in Zambia, at least from my perspective, I see developed countries pouring literally billions of dollars into a country and we're drowning in frosting. Without the government and people of Zambia making a dramatic shift in the way this country is run the billions of dollars are being flushed down non-existent toilets. To me development is not cell phones, or Starbucks, or even GAP. But it is clean water, it is accessible and quality health care, it is a country that not only sees the value in education but supports it and makes it possible for their people. It is creating an economy that gives people the opportunity to provide for their family. My vision of what I am going to accomplish during my service here has dramatically shifted since I landed here in June. I will still continue to do all that I can to assist the people of Zambia and to encourage the values and truths that I believe will bring about true development in this country. Maybe one of the youth in my village will light that spark that causes the fire that bakes the cake. Or maybe we will just lick the frosting for the next 18 months. Some people like icing best.